


and then you're gone

by orphan_account



Series: ficlets [18]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, ive been told that this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25522165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: JustSomeoneUnordinaryprompted on tumblr: winter and bucky as separate personalities. bucky just gave up on life, because he's been too much through. He doesn't feel a need to live anymore and therefore simply "dies". So only Winter is leftWritten from Tony's pov in 5 stages of grief style.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Series: ficlets [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551151
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	and then you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags thoroughly for all the trigger warnings. (5 stages of grief includes depression too)  
> Bucky and Tony were already in an established relationship. 
> 
> This was written keeping those who have lost their s/o or loved ones to suicide in mind.

**They say it goes like this;**

"This happens sometime," Tony smiles, sure where he stands. He doesn't like the look on Steve's face. Or Pepper or Sam and anyone for that matter. "You know when he spaced out after that mission in Illinois? Yeah, Cap?"

Steve nods. Dead eyes flickering to life. Yes, Tony thinks. Yes. You know what I mean. You know him well. You're his best friend. You know this happens. This is normal. 

Except it isn't 

Stage 1: Denial. 

* * *

Steve looks like he's sucked on a lemon. He's a dead man walking as he steps into Tony's space. 

He doesn't see the gauntlet Tony's working on. All he's focused is on telling the truth. 

"He's not coming back," he says. His voice is an unrecognizable echo to his own ears. "We've checked with Strange -," 

"Not with Shuri," Tony interrupts dryly, eyes not leaving his task. 

Steve takes a deep breath and exhales, "Tony," he sighs, "She was there too. They both said it's gone. Whatever trace of him left in there is gone."

Tony's fingers still. The air thickens and vibrates. It's not safe, something in Steve's hindbrain says. But he doesn't let go. 

"It's not your fau -," 

He stumbles back, shocked. His ears are ringing and his eyes blur a bit. 

Tony's not looking at him when he says, "Get out."

Steve doesn't fight. He leaves. The hot imprint the size of Iron Man's hand burning on his cheek. 

Stage 2: Anger.

* * *

"I was thinking," Tony begins, a smile on his face as he takes Bucky's hand into his. "We could go to Tokyo this week."

Bucky cocks his head left, and regards their hands. 

"You always wanted to see the blossoms right? The flowing river of sakura? I checked the forecast, I'm pretty sure we'd be able to see that this week," he beams at Bucky. 

The steak on his plate is untouched. Tony takes it upon himself to slice it into bite sizes. "We can check out all those anime, manga things you're so fond of. And maybe fly to Paris after?" He suggests bashfully, looking at Bucky from under his lashes. "I was thinking… bread and cheese under moonlight and maybe," he coughs, flushing up to his cheeks. "You know…," he shrugs. "I think it's time for me to pop the question." He finishes in a rush. "Get married there and we can go for a honeymoon and -," he runs out of breath. 

The steak is all cut up. He pushes the plate in Bucky's direction. He looks at his own and feels bile rising up to his throat. 

"Please?" He whispers, so low it's one with the wind.

Cutleries clatter. Bucky's eating. His left hand is still in Tony's clasp. 

_He's there,_ Tony thinks. _He's right there next to me; eating._ But everyone keeps telling him that he's not. 

_But he's there._

So he chases that lump into his gut and straightens up. "We'll take a fortnight off. We'll go get married and paint the world red."

Maybe then. Maybe then, you'll come back to me.

Stage 3: Bargaining.

* * *

"Tony," Pepper hisses, her sharp nails are pressing into the crook of his elbow. 

"Ow," he cries. "Let me go, claw-girl."

Pepper straightens up, "My apologies," she smiles, bright and remorseful. Then she says, "Excuse us, please," and she drags Tony through a back door. 

"I can't Pep," Tony hiccups, leering at her. "I'm married," he flashes his hand; bright diamond ring sparkling. Pepper looks sad, so Tony crooks a finger and calls her in. Once she's close enough, he whispers into her ear, "Shhh," he slurs, a hiccup bursting through, "Don't tell anyone but my husband is dead."

When he stumbles back, Pepper catches him. "Jesus, Tony," she sniffles. Her eyes are glazed and she keeps blinking them looking up at the ceiling. "God," she breathes. 

Tony hiccups, body slanting sideways. The whole world seems to tip on its axis. He whoops at the miracle. Then he doesn't remember what happens. 

Later, there's cold metal on the side of his head. The shiver that courses through his body is a comfort he clutches on desperately. 

He has sobered enough to know where he is and who he is with. He's repulsed but at the same time, he's got no energy in him to turn away. 

"You're not him," he tells the man. Nuzzles into his hips and he fists at the soft cotton clinging onto the body that no longer belongs to the man he loves and he sobs, "You're not Bucky."

Stage 4: Depression.

* * *

The first thing he notes, stepping out of the elevator; red silk shirt clinging onto his weary body as he tosses his suit jacket aside, that the TV is on. 

The TV is always on these days. Always. 

Tony gulps, chasing his ache with every roll to his sleeves. Until one elbow and then to another side. 

"How was your day?" He asks, switching on the light. Another reminder of his new reality; welcome to the darkness that has become his life. 

Silence. 

"Have you had your dinner?" Tony tries again. He can do this. 

1,2; a short shake to the head and Tony breathes. 

That tight coil in his chest unravels a little. Not enough to give; to let leave, but enough for him to breathe. 

He plops on the empty seat next to the man. "I've had a shitty day if you care," he sighs, tipping his head back onto the headrest. Animal Planet is on; a lion stalking its prey. 

Uninterested, Tony rolls his head to look at his companion (for life as a matter of fact. The tacky diamond ring in his bedside drawer will tell you that). 

Cold grey eyes meet his gaze. Tony puts on a smile. "Does a shitty day warrant a hug?" He asks. 

Confusion flickers in them. A slight tip of his head and Tony chokes on a sob he swallows so quickly. He masks it with an awkward laugh and boldy spreads out his arms. "Can I get a hug?" He asks directly. No subtlety. Just easy sentences. 

There's more tilt to the head, but the longer Tony keeps his arms open, the nearer he comes. Closer and closer until -

It's not a hug. But it's something. 

It's enough. 

"Thank you," Tony sniffles, rubbing his nose and turning away. His heart aches everyday. But lesser and lesser and -

_"It's not your fault, Tony."_

_"I don't understand. We were planning to get married. He was - ,"_ Was he really? _"- so happy."_

He doesn't understand, never will understand. But there's no point to it. This is his life now; dark or dull, there's a man by his side who's a shadow of someone he loves. He doesn't know this guy. But, he's willing to learn. 

Pulling out the take out menus, Tony begins flipping through. He pauses at the Chinese one; the letters fading from overuse. One particular order is completely faded out but Tony knows it by heart. It's Bucky's favourite. How can he not. 

He puts it away. "How about Pizza?" He asks Winter. "You can choose the toppings." He throws a smile at him and receives a shrug for an answer. 

Moving on. 

Stage 5: Acceptance. 

**Five stages of grief.**

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in [here](https://anthonyed.tumblr.com/post/624633305722241025/justsomeoneunordinary-prompted-oh-and-if-youd)
> 
> As you have seen, several changes have been made since then.  
> Comments are appreciated wholly <3


End file.
